Tony Abbott has announced the launch of a personal line of premium fragrances that will include a custom scent inspired by Tasmania. The new Incompetence series of perfumes will be released to the public, or not, possibly sometime in 2014, at least before any by-election, or may have already been released but constitutes a matter unable to be confirmed or denied.
“Look I’m, ah, very, ah, proud to, ah, present this line of, ah, perfumes, designed with, ah, the Australian taxpayer in mind,” said Mr Abbott at the launch while refusing to answer any questions, provide any details or offer any samples. “I’m sure Australians will come to recognise Incompetence when they smell it, and to consider it my signature.”
Nevertheless according to the testing notes leaked to a diverse section of the media including Andrew Bolt, friends of Andrew Bolt and members of Royal Society For The Protection Of Race-Hate Journalists, flagship fragrance Nusantara is an Indonesian-influenced scent. Its complex aroma evokes drunken nights on Kuta Beach, grim backroom political discussions with Filipino-porn-star diplomats, burnt flags, bootleg sandalwood and arak, Jakarta traffic fumes, eau-de-Timor-activist, exploding volcanoes, jiggy-jig and strong undertones of Christmas Island. The scent is best worn on wooden boats, unless unable to be turned around or bought back, in which case the scent is totally unreportable.
Tasmania’s big moment arrives with the fragrance Nitens, a perfume dedicated to decades of mismanagement of native forests. “I am thrilled to associate the brand of Incompetence with the Tasmanian forestry industries,” said Mr Abbott. “Ambassador Abetz has assured me that this brand stands unequivocally for jobs for the boys, waste, missed opportunities, insider trading, head-up-arse management, biodiversity loss, Hodge-podge-stodgemanomics, inexplicable and unaccountable subsidies and capital R rorts. Proudly Liberal to its bootstraps.”
Other patent Abbott fragrances in the Incompetence line include Spyneless, a somewhat limp and unpredictable fragrance that flip-flops every half-hour (and has been referred to by connoisseurs as Gonsky or Fleur de Scheules Dolleurs); Accountabilité, which has no detectable scent at all; Climate Denialiste, which stinks to high heaven; Bloque, a manly cologne for doing the stuff that only men do, like sit in cabinet; and Textor-Wanquor, an aftershave formulated for mealy-mouthed twits with fat salaries and the diplomatic sensitivity of a komodo dragon approaching a goat carcass.
Meanwhile Joe Hockey was unavailable for comment on the issue of whether the fragrance Treasurie is distilled from weapons-grade bullshit as he was too fully occupied enjoying a taxpayer-funded therapeutic massage at a taxpayer-funded brothel event for a taxpayer-funder community engagement opportunity for taxpayer-funded community consultation purposes.
Expected retail prices for the new Incompetence line are as follows:
Nusantara - 20,000 Rupiah, or 1 abandoned refugee child per 10ml, whichever is the lesser. Bonus 2nd bottle if ordering by hacked phone.
Nitens - most of the island of Tasmania.
Spyneless - way way too muchsky or slash-and-burnsky, in any case blame Gillardsky or Swansky.
Accountabilité - OUT OF STOCK.
Climate Denialiste - $25 per tonne, though payable only in brown coal.
Bloque - 3 secret handshakes.
Textor-Wanquor - special price until Christmas: a party hack in a pear tree.
Treasurie - 500 billion dollars a bottle, national credit card payments accepted.